when you book your hostel in tokyo japan, shit’s real. oh my god, oh my god. eleven days and I’m back in asia, pinch me!
"I believe in the hands that work, in the brains that think, and in the hearts that love…I believe in sunshine, fresh air, friendship, calm sleep, beautiful thoughts."
this morning my alarm went off at 7 just like it does everyday. every morning when I hear this I immediately react in a panicked, must get up, must work kind of way. I know this feeling all too well and know it to be reactive to my current life stage, the daunting chapter of the questionable year after college.
this morning I just laid there. I didn’t lay in surrender. I didn’t lay in exhaustion. I laid in my bed in complete contentment. Really, how often are we completely content? I venture to say as often as we allow ourselves to be, it’s about perspective and appreciation for the right here, right now.
so as I laid in bed I pondered my right here, right now and in this moment I grew so fond of the ways in which I’ve approached this chapter and used its tribulations and celebrations for personal growth. I took a quiet moment to give thanks. I took a quiet moment to allow myself to be proud of what I’ve done and what I’ve sought after. I took a quiet moment to not shy away from personal celebration and acknowledgement but just sat right there in it. How often to we grant ourselves this? It’s not pride, it’s not pretentious. It’s gratitude.
I appreciate my vulnerability. I appreciate the grace I’ve displayed through betrayal. I appreciate the love I sought and the strength I granted myself to walk away. I appreciate my honesty and I appreciate my relentless desire to learn the hearts of those around me. I appreciate the closeness I feel amongst my family and the relationships we’ve worked for. I appreciate my nature to see the good in people and I appreciate my tireless love for those near to me.
The last year I’ve felt the highest highs and the lowest lows. I’ve felt more deeply. I’ve lived more truly. I’ve served those with less than I am blessed with. I’ve learned an immense amount about myself and if you told me 8 months ago I’d be sitting here, in my denver home, with all new friends acting as a nanny having a quiet moment of gratitude - I wouldn’t have understood it.
denver has allotted me the space to find moments of quiet. I spend a great deal of time alone and I’ve never been happier. I know myself and I trust in my decisions. I have developed a great confidence in my interactions and they’re genuine. I have encountered some of the most amazing hearts, and I have this nagging feeling it’s only the beginning. This city holds so much creativity, love and faith and I feel so blessed to be a part of it.
I was amidst so much depth and experience during the new year it wouldn’t have been possible to rise up and find this deep gratitude I possess today. So today, February 19th, I finally got around to acknowledging all that has been and will be. Life is filled with lessons intertwined in every person, interaction and decision we encounter. I can sit here with a smile and connect some of those dots however, many are left unsolved and I am delighted in that fact.
There is no panicked heart today. I am so very grateful for right where I am, in this quiet moment (under my beloved fur blanket.)
summer trip planning has begun because i have the best damn native land there ever was. eeeek.
i have not written in sometime and have experienced more in the last month than i can properly analyze or digest but i feel compelled to remind myself in this moment and in this transition that there is only beauty. i am stripped of who i think i am and simply being who i truly am. it’s quite simply the best gift i have ever given to myself. i am raw and i am so wonderfully careful about who i am letting near and close to me. the ones stepping forward are authentic, inspiring, true and wonderful.
the freshest start of fresh starts ever (yay.)
“I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me—that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.”
this speaks to me on so many levels today.